I know I’ve discussed this before but its often in my mind because I’ve chosen a path not many people tread at my age (based on the fact there are now another 12 young people here). If I was to describe this journey, it would be that it is taking a journey into a state of continuing mental uncomfortableness.

I am aware that It’s in that place that we challenge ourselves, find new depths, find out more about how we perceive the world and the things around us. My job requires a culture of innovation where failing fast is a desired culture. The nature of my current journey makes me sit in a lot of thoughts about that – about how innovation and change requires you to accept a lack of mental/physical comfort and to work through it.

This journey has been a series of choices that I make everyday that push my comfort zones. It’s deliberate. It doesn’t make it less scary, or sometimes less lonely, or less intimidating. Sitting in the choice to say “this might suck, I’m going to do it anyway”. To accept what I can do and what I say I can’t do is so very different. It is rare here that I will say I can’t because I’m aware it means I won’t. If I am nervous or uncomfortable – that has become part of my justification to do something. To challenge my norms including those I don’t know about. It can be a choice to stay in the room without air conditioning or hot water. It can be a choice; to sit outside and talk to teenagers and young adults even if it’s hot and stuffy and you know you are going to get stung my mosquito’s. You are also going to see gecko’s run across the table, you are going to learn new people.

Today doing construction – I had a moment of “oh shit I don’t know how to lay brick….” but with the help of Wan (the organizer) – I figured it out. As I did more of it I improved.

At one point I thought during today – I could check out of/quit this – I can say my stomach is upset (oh so true) and I’m not going to do this. As I reached in the 34c/95F heat for another breeze block to pickup I did contemplate quitting or changing to a different program. Then I thought – you have the choice right now to do this or not. You made this choice, its uncomfortable but are you really suffering. It was just really uncomfortable. Accepting that made it easier. Accepting I only have another 4 days maximum of construction made it easier. Accepting my choice and perspective made it easier.

Part of me wants to come home in a week and a half and part of me wants to continue on and see Bali, Laos, Cambodia and some of the other countries easily here with some of the 2 of the weeks I’ll have remaining before I go back to work. It might not help in that it’s obvious the gap year people around me have had awesome times doing these things and part of me is envious.

I do wonder if the underlying concern is that I won’t get the chance to have this experience again or see the world this way. I am aware that I’ve become part of the travel slowly crowd at this point. I used to be a “We have to see everything and we have 2 days”. I somewhat there for some places however I don’t want to rush from place to place. I’m going back to Chiang Mai because I want to leave a place when I’ve run out of what I want to see, not the time to see it in. I’m conscious that is the opposite of how my regular life is and I’ve got to figure out some balance there.